I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
