He uses pillows to masturbate.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
