You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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