I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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