dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
