So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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