i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
