I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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