You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
