My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
