So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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