Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
