My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
