When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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