Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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