she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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