spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
