I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
