so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
