if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sorry about my life...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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