what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
