Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
