her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
