i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
