I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
