I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
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Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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