i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off