Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
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Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"