First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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