WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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