I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
