Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Let's get the cat blown out
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
