I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
