I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You made out with two different species that night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
