I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
