so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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