The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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