I want to make a zoo with you.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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