I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
