she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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