3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
