my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
