my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
