3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
