We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He did a backflip because drugs
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