Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
