she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
