Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
