Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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