Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
