Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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