Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
