I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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