You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
COCAINE IS GR8
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize