and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
