I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
