I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You can't motorboat a personality
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
