You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
