I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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