youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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