i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
